Best
Hi friends! Hope you all had a great Halloween! This week I want to share a ~scary story~ involving local government offices and services, along with a lesson in seeing the “best” in others. Let’s dive in…
I am getting married in 10 days and one of the final things on my fiancé and I’s list is to get our marriage license. I’ve seen lots of folks go through the process, posting a selfie on Instagram, talking about their countdown and such. Seems easy enough. The following events transpired yesterday, 10/31/23…
We excitedly applied online and were sent instructions to book our appointment. As I clicked “Next Available,” Christian and I’s excitement quickly shifted to panic. The next available appointment was for November 29th. We stared at the screen without saying anything for a few moments. Then Christian broke the silence with a, “so what do we do?” On the webpage that looked like it somehow survived early 2000s web design, I found a phone number and began to dial.
After a litany of recordings, I pressed the number for the appropriate office. I was then prompted to select Marriage Licenses, #2 I believe. What followed was a recording of all of the words on the webpage I had open on the screen in front of me. I pressed “0” and, rather than sending me to an operator, the recording started over.
**As a side note, if hell were a real place, it would be a constant quest for a “representative” in a sea of redundant and irrelevant information.
I hung up, redialed and immediate pressed “0.” At last I was in a queue for support. The classic and nostalgic 90s holding music played for 27 minutes (that’s a load of dishes out and into a dishwasher, 2 pots hand washed and a pile of towels folded) before I was in conversation with a human.
A very pleasant woman asked how she could help, and I told her about the pickle I was in. With the same tone, she said “those are the only appointments available.”
For clarification I asked, “So there is nothing you or I can do?”
“No there is not. You will need to go to a different county/city to get a marriage license,” she said.
In disbelief I responded, “okay…well…thanks?”
I got a “no problem,” a “have a good day,” and the click of the call being ended.
This is when the feeling of panic in my gut moved to my chest, then to up my back, shoulders and neck.
Rage.
I’ll admit, I had some strong words to say after that call. With my jaw clenched, I searched for the nearest county office outside of the city. Christian, hearing the short conversation and the expletives that followed, shouted a county name from his office. I found their website, initiated the same process, and I am happy to report that after a 30 minute car ride and 1.5 hour wait, we have a marriage license!
The reason I am sharing this story is because it connects beautifully and ironically to the topic I wanted to share with you all this week. The idea of what it means to “do your best” and witness another “doing their best.”
Over a year ago, I was listening to a conversation between Brené Brown and her sister on the Unlocking Us podcast. On the final episodes, they discuss the concept of living “BIG” (boundaries, integrity, generosity). During this conversation, a question came up that rattled me.
Brené shared stories of people who, in her eyes, had little respect for her, others, rules and themselves. After one particularly jarring experience, she went to her therapist to share what happened. Once she painted the picture of her experience, her therapist asked, “do you think they were doing their best?”
Brené responded with an outraged “no” and could not believe that her therapist of all people would suggest this. After some time and additional discovery through a new lens, something shifted for her, much like it has for me. She came to realize and believe that everyone (and I mean literally everyone) is, in fact, doing their best.
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Now, I realize this is a very hard pill for many of us to swallow. I have broached this topic with a few people who responded much how Brené did initially — outrage at the idea and disbelief that it could possibly be the case.
What I have come to believe is that we are the sum total of our experiences, up until the present moment. Each of these experiences, consciously and unconsciously, informs what we do and how we act in the present.
I am not suggesting that we excuse poor, reckless or even dangerous behavior. Some people’s “best” is unsafe for society and often times, even for themselves. We don’t have to fully understand how or why people do the things we do.
What I am proposing is that we are simply **willing** to believe that it is their best. “What story can I create (true or not) about why someone acts the way they do?” It’s the first step, but it’s a big one. It’s one that has completely shifted the way I look at things, and challenges me every day, multiple times a day.
The most incredible thing about this line of thought and the shift it creates is that it has the ability to move us from fear and anger into empathy and compassion. If not for them, than at least for our own sakes. Carrying fear, anger and even fleeting moments of rage (in my case) is not good for us. Adrenaline is not a renewable resource and it generally, at least in my experience, does not inspire the best action.
When it comes to my experience with the Dallas County Clerk’s office, I caught myself. I paused and realized that this woman who is answering the phone likely has no power to change this system. She may very well be on the phone with crying brides and enraged grooms 10 times a day, and she may hate that there is nothing she can do about it. Maybe, maybe not, but I am willing to believe it was the best she could do.
On the flip side, had I shifted into my little rage moment on the phone with this poor woman, I would hope she could find some compassion for my experience as well. Maybe she would have considered that I was doing my best.
After a morning of wedding tasks and bubbling excitement with a dash of anxiety, I went through a wild little roller coaster just to be told “sorry ‘bout ya!” But I caught myself and I am so grateful for that — mainly because it made me realize that I am integrating this newfound willingness to the point that it has shifted me more quickly from “reacting” to “responding.” C’mon progress!
While this is a small example of this concept in action, my toss here would be just that: to start small. Before shifting to compassion for some of the more extreme examples that come to mind, for those who certainly don’t seem to be doing their best, start with government workers (haha)!
Keep in mind, if you are willing to believe others are doing the best, you must also extend the same compassion to yourself. You know best what has led you to the present moment. You may even have an idea of how it has driven you to some of your actions and behaviors. You also have the power to free yourself of guilt and shame by remembering that you are doing your best.
Thanks for reading!
If this post resonates with you, I would so appreciate your sharing it with friends, loved ones, and colleagues.