Boundaries
Welcome back! This week we are talking about boundaries. I originally wrote about this topic a few months ago, but decided to revisit it, adding some new thoughts and additional context.
What follows are a collection of concepts that I have shaped to create a reframe of what is commonly referred to as “setting boundaries.” This reframe is rooted in the idea that boundaries are simply a means to an end. When arriving to a place and space where a boundary may seem to fit, my toss to anyone reading is to consider this…
“Boundaries”
A few years ago I was on a call with 50 or so folks who gathered to learn from the incredible Dr. Katie Hendricks and the staff of The Hendricks Institute. During that call, we were discussing co-creation through relationship and the importance of making agreements. A question bubbled up for me: “where do boundaries come in?” What I thought was an obvious question was met with an unconventional, yet even more obvious answer.
Katie asked “would you show me with your body what a boundary looks like?” I responded by putting my hands in front of me, pushing forward to create a wall. She asked me how that felt, and I noted the tension that was created in my shoulders, neck and upper back. It was then that I realized that my understanding and deeper knowing of a boundary was in direct conflict with the purpose of relationship: co-creation.
Traditional Ideal of Boundaries
In a conversation with my therapist, I brought up this experience and my concerns about the colloquial usage and practice of “boundaries.” More and more I have realized how “fighty” the energy is around it. My therapist responded, sharing the same concern. She mentioned that she tends to steer her clients away from this verbiage, as the common understanding and practice of “putting up boundaries” is only a small portion of the work.
After a few months of lengthy conversations and lots of processing, I landed on some ideas and verbiage that I was ready to propose as an alternative to the common understanding of boundaries. A dear friend of mine, Pastor Shanté Buckley, invited me to speak with her in front of her congregation to share these insights. Shanté had theorized that some in her congregation may have similar relationships to the idea of setting boundaries that I had before making this shift. She was right.
We opened the conversation by inviting everyone seated before us to show with their bodies what a boundary looked like. Across the room we saw folded arms, walls made with hands, and a general sense closed off-ness. When I asked the room how that felt, I could see the responses were similar to mine. With that, we continued and I presented my collection of findings which I am excited to share with you.
1. Commitments
Commitments are chosen principles/values made within ourselves that honor and promote action that aligns with our own essence and purpose. An example being, “I commit to moving through the world with honesty and integrity.”
2. Agreements
Agreements are the acknowledgement, acceptance and allowance of another to co-create with us and our willingness to reciprocate. It is a transaction, spoken and sometimes unspoken. They are in essence, protection through connection. An example being “as friends, we value and respect each other.”
3. Boundaries
Boundaries are the living threshold of your commitments that allow or disallow co-creation with others. Enforcing a boundary would be an example of protection through disconnection.
Boundaries, Reframed
With these definitions and their examples in mind…
Allow me to illustrate how I experience them in action. Let’s say a friend of mine did something dishonest, and I know it. I immediately experience an “icky” feeling. For me, this feeling is in my gut and rises to my throat. What I am experiencing here is a misalignment with my commitment of “moving through the world with honesty and integrity.”
What do I do now? As friends we have an agreement to “value and respect each other,” which to me includes honoring the commitments within each of us (whether that agreement has been spoken, or is simply understood). I have a choice. Protection through disconnection or protection through connection. I can revisit my agreement with this friend or enforce a boundary. If I genuinely care for this person, feel safe in their presence and believe there is more to co-create here, I will choose connection and revisit our agreement.
Let’s say I didn’t do anything here. This feeling would sit in me for days and its presence would take up much of my energy until ultimately manifesting in a very real physical ailment. It has happened before!
“The most basic way to get someone’s attention is this: break a pattern.”
– Chip and Dan Heath
Revisiting an agreement can happen in a variety of ways and methods of conversation, but the key here is to speak directly from my own experience, which is unarguable. Confrontation can arise here, but I have the power to control my own emotions by honoring my experience. I could do this by telling my friend something like…
“I am not sure if this was your intention, but I got the feeling that you were dishonest. This idea made me feel very uncomfortable and it is important to me that I move through the world with honesty and integrity. I value our friendship and want to know if we can agree to be honest moving forward?”
It is now up to my friend to receive what I have to say and respond. Regardless of their response, I have given voice to my feelings, and honored my commitments, free of blame. If I am setting myself free of these “icky” feelings I like to think, in some way, I am doing the same for the other(s) involved. I love the way Glennon Doyle puts it…
“There is no such thing as one way liberation.”
- Glennon Doyle
This is a mild example, but here in this moment of choice is where I sense that “putting up boundaries” is walling us off from each other and ourselves, keeping us from understanding the core of the fear, stress and anxiety.
Now obviously in the situation of being physically and/or emotionally unsafe, enforcing boundaries as a means of protection through disconnection is critical.
That said, I wonder if we are jumping too quickly to “protection” through disconnection? Has the concept of boundaries become a boundary itself?
Boundaries and Personal Context
Each of us has our own context made up of our commitments, agreements and experiences as well as our minds, hearts and bodies. As we move through the world, the shape of our context can change, especially as we grow and expand. Some of you may have heard references to our “learning edge.”
When I think about my context, I imagine an expansive membrane, reaching out beyond its center. When I close my eyes and visualize it like this, I can almost feel it.
My sense is that the edges of what we know and find comfortable is where the colloquial concept of boundaries has been placed. In the form of a wall or a mote, that’s where the action seems to be happening, especially here lately.
While the use of protection through disconnection is sometimes appropriate in this space, what about the times when we feel nervous or anxious when our context is bumping up against something with which we are unfamiliar? Maybe it’s something new and exciting that we haven’t experienced before? If we look at this space near the edge of our context as our boundary, are we readying that space for expansion if needed or desired?
“Fear is excitement without breath.”
- Fritz Perls
I’ll leave you with some big questions to consider…
How often am I going to my edges?
How often am I building up walls rather than opening myself to willingness to learn, expand and grow?
How can I know what is safe and what requires protection?
When something meets our edges, what if we met it with breath?
What if we allowed our bodies to tell us if this is a moment for connection or protection, expansion or contraction?
What if I gave the experience of fear an opportunity to evolve into excitement?
Outside of the direct quotes, much of these learnings have come from exploration with The Hendricks Institute community, its teachers and facilitators, and Conscious Loving by Kathlyn and Gay Hendricks. I cannot recommend this book enough!
Thanks for reading!
If this post resonates with you, I would so appreciate your sharing it with friends, loved ones, and colleagues.