Conflict
This week we are talking about conflict. It is all around us, and even within us. Some might say it’s unavoidable… but give me a moment and let’s see if I can change your mind. I know it can be fun to live for the drama, but when you find yourself participating in something that should be on Bravo, believe me, the excitement fades.
For your consideration, here are some things that may create a shift for you, or, at the very least, generate some newfound awareness of yourself and how you show up in conflict.
Let’s start with a question…
When conflict arises, where do you find yourself? In any conflict, there are three roles to choose from: victim, villain and hero.
The Drama Triangle
(As a note, some of you may be aware of the Karpman drama triangle. This is an adaptation in co-creation with my learnings with The Hendricks Institute.)
Poor me.
“The Victim seeks to convince themselves and others that they cannot do anything, nothing can be done, all attempts are futile, despite trying hard. One payoff for this stance is avoiding real change or acknowledgement of their true feelings. This may bring anxiety and risk, while feeling they are doing all they can to escape it.”
Let me help you.
“The Hero is a classic enabler, feels guilty if they do not go to the rescue, and ultimately becomes angry (and becomes a Villain) as their help fails to achieve change. Yet their rescuing has negative effects: it keeps the Victim dependent and doesn't allow the Victim permission to fail and experience the consequences of their choices.”
It's all your fault.
“The Villain is controlling, blaming, critical, oppressive, angry, authoritarian, rigid, and superior. But, if blamed in turn, the Villain may become defensive, and may switch roles to become a Victim if attacked forcefully by the Hero and/or Victim, in which case the Victim may also switch roles to become a Villain.”
This trio is also known as “the grip” of conflict, or the drama triangle.
So, now that you have a good idea of the roles (and maybe your favorite — the victim is mine), you may be thinking, ‘Well Alexande, thank you for pointing this out, but how do I avoid the triangle? If I am in it, how do I get out?’
One of my favorite teachers, Katie Hendricks, introduced me to a poem by Rumi which, in its first two lines, reads “Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, There is a field. I'll meet you there.”
Outside of the grip of conflict, that is the field. That is where we want to be. Let’s talk about how to get there.
The first step for anyone on the triangle is to take responsibility for their role.
In conflict, we must be willing to take 100% ownership of our role. A good wonder question here is ‘How did I create and participate in this conflict?’
The Victim
Let’s say you’re deep in the trenches of your role as the victim. You are absolutely killing it — throwing blame left and right and your audience is eating it up. You come to the point where you realize the part you are playing is getting you absolutely nowhere. Shift your energy to creation and becoming a creator. Claim your power to generate a new or different outcome. Start by taking responsibility for the reality you’ve found yourself in and see what you can create to get yourself out of the grip.
A word about responsibility: Those who find themselves in the position of the victim must also be ABLE to claim responsibility, and what I mean by that is they are ABLE to RESPOND. This delineates a victim in this context from someone who has lost power and/or agency over themselves by means of more sinister behavior of another. That is not what we are talking about when we refer to a “victim” in the context of being able to “claim creation.”
It’s also worthwhile to point out that there is a significant difference between responding and reacting. A reaction is forced outward, a response flows with intention.
The Hero
Now, for the heroes out there. Rather than swooping in to save the day, what if you found yourself on the sidelines as a coach? What if you found ways to support a victim without taking their power to act for themselves? What if your goal was to support others in creating? This path takes you out of the grip and over to the field where you can fashion yourself with a clipboard and even a whistle, but remember, it’s not your job to call the game for anyone.
The Villain
Okay villains. I know… you meant well. You might have even started out trying to be the hero. A shift you can make here, in addition to taking responsibility, is to embody the essence of a challenger. Someone whose contrasting energy supports the growth of others, not their destruction. Move others to action. Push them to become better creators and coaches, but know and even inquire about where the line is. Do your best not to force anyone to a corner of the triangle.
I have found this lens to be a game-changer when approaching conflict or finding my way out of its grip. It all begins with a question: ‘Am I willing to take responsibility for the reality I am creating?’ It’s only twelve words, but gosh it is a powerful one. Not only does it have the ability to change our individual experiences, but it could really reshape the world we live in today.
What if everyone was willing to own their part and make a shift to something better? I for one think we would all be happier, healthier and more willing to lead with love.
Along with this article on The Karpman Triangle, much of these learnings have come from exploration and co-creation with The Hendricks Institute community, its teachers and facilitators.
Thanks for reading!
If this post resonates with you, I would so appreciate your sharing it with friends, loved ones, and colleagues.