Melancholy
Hi friends! This week, I want to share a very authentic look at how I am feeling these days. Whether it’s because I just wrapped up a move to a new home, or that I have a big birthday coming up, I’m not feeling super sparkly this week. What’s ironic is that I originally wrote most of this months ago, and upon rereading it, it feels more true than ever. Sometimes we don’t feel our “best” and that is okay. Let’s talk about melancholy.
melancholy | noun : a feeling of pensive sadness, typically with no obvious cause. (Oxford Dictionary)
For a while now, I’ve had a persisting feeling of sadness. A heaviness that situates itself over my body like a weighted blanket. As I write this, I feel it even more prominently across my face, feeling as though my eyelids and cheeks weigh 10x more than they actually do. Maybe I’m tired?
As I breathe into these feelings, I can feel something hovering behind my head and to my left. Something there that is casting a shadow over my consciousness, much like an eclipse of the sun.
Times like this morning, the sensation is much more prevalent. Sometimes though, I barely notice it’s there, but it is still there, making its presence known through what feels like a gravitational anomaly, pulling me in and off balance.
Today, my noticing of this feeling almost brings tears to my eyes, but just almost. So often I’ve danced on this line, but rarely make it to full expression of whatever this is. What am I experiencing? Am I actually sad? If so, what about?
What comes to mind immediately is an image of a four way intersection… think final scene of Castaway.
There I stand right in the middle, peering out in each direction, seeing what could be… what might be — but I don’t dare take a step. I can feel the excitement and magic of each path pulling on me. It almost feels like they are all pulling too hard. Are they tearing me apart? Can I choose just one? Should I choose just one? Is it possible to be fully present with each of these endeavors?
As I stand there being pulled in every which direction, the sun is eclipsed by that familiar feeling. My body begins to collapse under the weight, the weight which becomes stronger than the pull of any of the roads that surround me.
There’s almost a peace in it. Almost as if I prefer this pressure over the pressure of “choosing” — if that’s even what I am supposed to be doing. Is that why this feeling persists? Am I calling upon this sadness to quell the seemingly impossible task of choice and action? Am I sedating myself every time I get closer to choice?
As it is, control is an illusion. I cannot control the paths that lay before me, their outcomes, where they lead or how I feel about any of this. What I can do is simply choose and allow myself to choose rather than creating clouds that dim my own shine.
I can feel these feelings when they call, but I can always allow the path that is mine to reveal itself, inspiring choice that brings me back into the sun.
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If you can relate to this feeling, I just want you to know that you’re not alone. I hope you find solidarity in this writing, and I wish nothing more than for you to find yourself back in the sun on your own terms and in your own, perfect timing.
Thanks for reading!
If this post resonates with you, I would so appreciate your sharing it with friends, loved ones, and colleagues.